In Hindsight.

March 19, 2009

Whoever said that hindsight is 20/20 should be given a gold metal. Like forreal…

I’m thinking about the last year of my life, how things have drastically changed, and how that change has effected my entire world. This time last year, I was a lost cause, living a life I didn’t want and had no idea how to change. Today I’m still that lost cause, but with a little more direction and a dream I’m holding firmly onto. It feels good to have clarity, a voice that people listen too, some meaning and perspective. It feels good to be out of the darkness and looking at a new light.

Last year I was heart broken. Devastated by the trauma of my first real heartbreak, I had no idea how to make it through. It was like I was stuck in some sort of maze with no real exit. In hindsight I knew exactly where the exit was, but didn’t want to take it. Now that I’ve forced myself to take that exit route I’m a lot more at peace with myself. I have my moments, my days, and even weeks when I dwell and wonder if he misses me half as much as I do him, but then my altar ego Pride swoops in and plants my feet right back on reality road, and I don’t think of him anymore.

Although my life isn’t where I thought it would be, and I’m not in the places I’d dreamed, I’ve always got tomorrow. I just hope that when I look back at this post in another year, I’ll be 10 steps closer to my goal. Whatever that may be…



the ephiany.

March 11, 2009

At the end of every challenge there is that ‘a ha!’ moment I live for. I actually kind of relish and look forward to it. Yes, I’m a huge baby. I hate pain of any magnitude, large or small, obstacles are often perceived by me as nuisances or irritations rather than opportunities to grow or learn more about myself, and detours on my map of life are not ever welcomed. But they happen none the less.

And that my friends, is something I’m learning to deal with.

Although it can be quite irritating, I’m hoping that the shit I’m going through will not only be short lived experiences that I can look back and reflect on as learning experiences, but I’m also obtimistic that they will mold and shape me into the person, professionally and otherwise, that I’m meant to be.

I have friends that are stuck in their way of life and thinking. They live like this is all there is. Deep in my heart I know this isn’t it. I know that I’m not meant to be in school forever, or live here forever, or have these problems forever. People wonder why I’m so withdrawn and standoffish. Why I don’t hang out every weekend or why I’m not so quick to make friends with people or jump in someones crowd. Because I’ve been there before, and I’ve seen what that way of thinking can do to someone, it damn near drove me crazy.

I’m focused on making my impossible dreams a reality. If you aren’t on board with that, then it’s quite possible you aren’t on board with me…