wait. what just happened?

 

wtf just happened?

I have two people whom I consider to be my best friends. These two individuals happen to both be of the male persuasion. Because I have a low tolerance for females. 

 

Anyway, I’ve got these two friends whom I’ve never had a romatic feeling for EVER. Ok, I mean I may have thought about being with at least one of them, but seeing as that thought would be followed closely with a dry heave, I never acted on any of my thoughts. I guess you could say I never had the desire. 

Tonight, one of my friends propositioned me. It was harmless to say the least, but out of both of my best friends, this guy is the LAST guy I’d ever be with. Not because of looks, but more so because of attitude. I love him as a friend, but to be with him would be agony to say the least. He’s demanding, at times controlling, and totally confrontational. Three qualities that do not and never will mix well with me. 

As a friend I’m totally in love with him. Why? Because 1) my emotions are not involved, 2) I can say what I want, when I want, and not feel bad, and 3) if someone gets on my nerves…I can go away for awhile and there’s no harm, no foul. He’s a really supportive friend. Kind of makes me think he’ll make a great boyfriend/husband someday, I just know it won’t be to me. 

Here’s my question: Has a line been crossed? Like I get super uncomfortable very easily, and I have a tendency to just write someone off for awhile, if not permanently, when they cross a line with me. I just don’t know about this one. I don’t want anything to get weird, thats the reason why I frowned at the proposition in the first place. I still want to be friends and have things stay the same…

Why o why must I be so damn irresistible?! 
Just kidding, but still….

you suck @ life.

This song & post is dedicated to a friend.
Or something like that. 

The Setup:
I feel so shitty right now. It’s not that amusing ‘hey, I feel like crap’ mood either. It’s the ‘alright if someone even LOOKS at me, it’s ON’ type of shitty feeling. I don’t know what the problem is, all I know is that I’m completely 100% done with some of the people around me. Examples and reasons for my decision are below. 

The Downfall:
I have a friend who I love dearly (most days anyway). She’s very attractive, but in my opinion, she lacks depth. Does this make me love her less? No. Does her superficiality and selfishness aggravate the shit out of me? Absolutely.  

Today is Valentines day or as I like to call it ‘Single Awareness Day’. It was planned for this friend and I to take a trip back to our old stomping grounds to kick it with our friends instead of doing absolutely nothing. I woke up early thinking that we’d leave by about 10 only to sit on my ass slightly nausous for a whole 2 hours waiting for her call. Of course it never came, so I took initiative and called her. No answer. 

I wait an hour (by this time it’s like 1:30) and call again. She answers on the last possible ring and goes into excuse mode talks about the weather being bad here (not snowing = not bad), and there (flurries = not bad). I get the sense that she doesn’t want to go anymore which bothers me, but not that much. What bothers me most is that she doesn’t just come out and say this. FYI Homie: I cannot read minds. Do not expect me too. 

Long story short; She said she’d call back and let me know. It’s now 7:15 and I haven’t heard from her. 

I hate when I rearrange my life for people and they fall short. Plans fall through the cracks of life, I get that. But please get some fucking balls and let me know what the deal is. DO NOT leave me hanging by a thread and ruin any other plans that may have come my way. That’s rude. Grow up.

The Aftermath:
Trust me, I’m not the deepest thinker in the world, nor am I the prettiest thing to look at, but damn, would it hurt to know a little bit more about life than what your credit limit is? I mean, my friend is awesome in her own right and everything, but it literally gives me headaches the shady shit she does and the immature way she acts. She’s beautiful and people naturally gravitate towards her because of her beauty. I was raised to believe that our individual beauty will definately fade and that its our foundation on the inside that matters more than anything. Because if you’re foundation is fucked up, your world is just waiting to fall.

Yea maybe this is the ugly girls mantra. Maybe this is just the shit society tells us to pacify our grumbling while the world just hands shit to those who are outwardly beautiful. Maybe I’m just being an insecure cow. Who knows. What I do know for certian, is that people don’t remember what you have on, how many designer clothes/bags you own, or what your credit limit is. People remember how you make them feel. So when a person decides to make me feel like garbage or believe that they’re up to shady deeds…I remember that shit. Trust & believe it.

feel the burn.

Things are going well. Almost too well to be honest. When my life seems to be taking a turn for the better, some unfortunate incidence will rear its ugly cynical head singing ‘I told you so’. 

I apoligize for my cynicism. If there is anything experience has taught me it’s 3 valuable lessons” 1) Trust no one 2) When life gives you lemons, pain that shit gold, and 3) With every breakthrough there is always another obstacle to overcome. The point of these three lessons is, I trust no one until the prove they can be trusted, and I believe nothing until I see it. 

It’s gotta be like this. I’ve believed in people and opportunities that have turned out to be worth the shit on the bottom of my shoe, so in an effort to protect myself, I’ve turned into a complete cynic. My father finds it sad, my friends call it crazy, but I know what it is, and that my friends, is all that matters. 

Now, lets see what unfortunate incidence comes out of hiding. Smh.

finally some good news.

This has been a good weekend. The sugary goodness was unexpected, but the best things in my life are always surprises. Otherwise I’d totally take them for granted.

Just a quick recap: I had a good time Friday night, shaking my ass and drank WAY too much (my recollections of that evening are still fuzzy). Although I was severely hung over and spent the day in bed with a killer headache, Saturday wasn’t too shabby either. I confirmed with my secret lover Asshole Agnew that I will be the new blogger for his online magazine Jenesis and I also received an email from the Executive Editor of M.I.S.S Crew stating that I’ll be brought on as an Intern for them as well. Epic SCORE! 

It doesn’t end there. Sunday (today!) I finally felt well enough to go out and get that tattoo that I’ve been wanting for awhile. It’s small and sweet, but it speaks to the struggle I’ve been having recently. I got the word ‘courage’ tattooed on my wrist because I’ve been needing a dose of it to get through the past couple of weeks. If  you’ve read my past posts you should understand why. 

Wow things are sure beginning to look up. Hopefully they’ll get better though. There’s no where else to go but up from here. I’ve got a renewed faith in this life I’ve got. Woo!

it’s official. i’m old.

I got a bitch slap from my good friend reality last night. 

It all began with an invitation to party with the Pittsburgh Steelers.  How could I pass up a chance to kick it with the Super Bowl champs? I mean, like, thats what every woman dreams of (blank stare). A good friend of mine asked me to accompany her to this shindig and I obliged because I was starting to feel some of my youthfulness slip from my fingers. You see, kind reader, these days I’m beginning to feel a tad bit old. Call it growing up, call it whatever, but my life has become one big shit show of a routine. 

Class, work, study, and more work. That is what my life consists of. I don’t have time to go out and grab my ankles with excitedment, because all my energy is GONE by the end of my day. Take last night for instance. Before I went out I was at work. Duh. I started daydreaming about skipping the bars and clubs and just going home. Maybe watch a movie or cuddle up with a book…normal stuff. And then I thought about how old I am and how kids my age are getting wasted, how I should probably be getting wasted too instead of being so dedicated to watching the Office every Thursday like a granny. 

Well I went out and got loaded. And then I got sick. 

I’ve come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am officially an adult. Gone are the days of nonstop partying, of drinking and smoking, of the non existent hang over. I can’t drink a beer without getting sick to my stomach, so I’m over it. I’d rather chill at my house with my 48 year old father and watch documentaries about WWI than ever set foot near any club or bar ever again. 

The End.

burnt.

So it’s almost 8pm, and I’m outside the door to my house sitting on the steps. Why, you ask? Well because I forgot my keys this morning when I RAN out of my house on my way to school. You see, kind reader, I have what some may call insomnia. It’s this evil little thing that renders you completely unable to get any sort of sleep at night, and when you are finally able to get some shut eye, your body doesn’t wake up when it’s suppose to because it hasn’t rested to it’s full potential. Not really the text book definition but you get my drift. 

Anyhoo, I woke up late this morning, about 15 minutes before my class was scheduled to start, looked at the clock, panicked, and hightailed it out of my house clothed with crap from the floor and looking a hot ass mess. I made it to class on time though. 

I always get this sinking feeling that I’ve forgotten something. The overwhelming sickness comes every time I leave an establishment en route to another one. I always feel like I’ve left something behind or forgot to do something or whatever. A quick checklist through the brain usually concludes with me figuring out that I have everything I need, but today I don’t know what happened.

This is just my luck. I have a really productive and enjoyable day and something always has to be fucked up with it. It’s sad actually. Someone could come up to me tomorrow and say, ‘hey, here’s a million bucks’ and I’ll most definitely reply back…’Ok who died?’. That just the weird part about my life, for every step forward there seems to be something to push me two steps back. It’s like I can never have the opportunity to believe in myself too much because theirs always something to bring a sistah back down to earth. 

Ok. 2 more hours until my dad comes home. Great.

a dream deferred.

When I was a kid the first thing I ever wanted to be was a writer. I wanted to write a book entitled ‘Help! I’m a Kid!’. I wanted my book to be a novel loosely based on my upbringing in Pittsburgh and all the trauma I was going through just learning to be me. Things sure do have a way of getting put on the back burner…

Throughout my childhood and teenage years I struggled to figure out what ‘responsible’ career I wanted to pursue, because according to everyone around me, writing wouldn’t pay the bills. It was nice to dream, but it had to be a ‘stable’ dream, not something farfetched and whimsical. So from about the age of 10 until now I’ve been serial career dating. 

It started out innocently enough with me playing around with ideas of being an architect or a doctor like my sister, I even went as far as to think that I could maybe be an actress because of my background in being the life of a party. Nothing stuck. What did stick was this writing thing. When everything else failed in my mind, I wrote about it. Writing was always the wife I’d come back to after cheating with other possible career options. 

College was where it got ridiculous. This is where I invested actual time and energy in majors that were suppose to eventually get me a ‘respectable job’. It was bad. I spent 4 years doing something I thought was right when all along it was wrong. 

One day I started writing. I wrote about how unhappy I was, how I wanted out of this facade, how I wanted to prove everyone wrong and do what made me happy and actually become profitable from it. So I left school with only a semester to go (no judgement needed), and hightailed it back into the safe arms of my father. I got my head on straight, got a plan together, and now I’m proud to say that I’m pursuing my initial dream of becoming a writer. Things sure do have a way of coming full circle. Watch out world…

beware: shady people are everwhere.

I am a nice person.  
I am a very nice person. 
I am too nice of a person.

I am a sucka. If there is anything I hate worse in the 22 years I’ve been alive, it’s being a sucka. I’m so nice it hurts. Yes there are times when I’d like to say what’s on my mind and be the true boss bitch that I know I can be, but I never do it. Why? Not because I actually care what anyone has to say about my bitchy behavior, but more so because I see what bitchy behavior does to people. My mother was a bitchy individual, and her attitude cost her her family and a boat load of friends. It’s also a big reason why I have zero communication with her at the present moment. I don’t want to even come close to being like that.

Instead of taking the ‘shady’ approach to life, I’ve adopted my fathers OG methodology of thinking: Treat others the way you’d like to be treated. Duh. My Dad is a big believer in turning the other cheek to foolishness. Being the deeply spiritual person that he is, he’s always believed that God would always defend our honor so we wouldn’t have too. I was raised like this. Therefore this is unfortunately the way I think. 

I want to be a bitch. I really do. I want to tell all these sketchy individuals I happen to always come in contact with that they can politely go to hell, kick rocks, crash and burn, drop dead, but I cannot.  That would be me going against everything my father’s taught me. Because that would mean me fighting my battle and not allowing God to do it…

I just wish God would hurry up and knock these hoes out.

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